A decade ago, my life didn’t feel worth living anymore because of my endometriosis. It’s such a complicated feeling to explain, because it wasn’t that I wanted to die, but I really didn’t want to live the current life I had, either.

During the most painful weeks, I would obsessively fantasize about being in a sleep coma. In this coma, my body and mind would shut down and I’d fall into the deepest and most peaceful sleep of all time. I rationally knew this hibernation-like state wasn’t a real possibility, but looking back, fantasizing about it gave my brain an alternate solution to the dark one lingering below the surface—the thought of not wanting to be alive at all. 

And just when I was at my lowest point, like some sort of Hallmark-movie miracle, an angel-friend intervened. She lead me to new path of endo management tools. Tools that helped me manage my pain and feel safer in my body. Tools that made me feel more confident to advocate for myself. My friends even said they made me nicer (hey! studies show that chronic pain can change your personality). They changed my entire life.

I'm making it sound easy. It wasn't. I cried through the changes I was making. I mourned some of my old habits and wanted to give up. But I couldn't deny I felt better. So I stopped feeling sad about it and got to work. I found movements that worked for my body, developed low-inflammatory recipes I actually liked to eat, and even wrote a cookbook about the whole experience.